Perry Cox
by PenPatronus
Summary: An anthology of short stories about Perry Cox's life. Angst, drama, romance, hurt comfort. Lots of JD, Turk, Elliot, and Carla 12: PERRY IS DYING and JD has a difficult decision that only he can make. 13: A Conversation With Laverne
1. Perry's Sons

**Disclaimer:** It turns out that "Scrubs" is not mine.  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** An anthology of short stories about Perry Cox's life. LOTS of drama, angst, tragedy.  
Characters: Perry, JD, Turk, Carla, Elliot, Jordan, Jack...

**Perry Cox  
**PenPatronus

Chapter One: Perry's Sons  
Summary: Perry's reaction when JD saves Jack Cox's life.

It took Doctor Perry Cox less than 30 seconds to respond to Carla's page. He burst through the double hospital doors with the force of a thunderstorm. "Jack? _Jacky_!"

"Daddy!" Four-year-old Jack Cox wiggled out of Jordan's grip, sped past Carla and quite literally leapt into Perry Cox's arms.

"Oh my son, my _son_…" Perry's knees wobbled and he collapsed backwards into a vacant wheelchair. Jack practically disappeared into his father's arms, wrapping himself in the white lab coat like a blanket. The blood covering Jack's shirt was still warm and wet.

"It's not his," Jordan quickly said when Perry's teary eyes widened. Though she was crying herself, Jordan forced a smile through and planted a kiss on Perry's thin lips. Carla leaned against the counter at the nurse's station and watched as Perry passed his doctor's eyes and hands all over his son. Every few seconds he pulled Jack to his chest in a tight, desperate hug, then went back to business. He didn't even find a bruise.

"Jordan…what the _hell_ happened?" Jordan shook her head, suddenly unable to speak, joined her son on Perry's lap and curled against them both. At a loss and even more frustrated than usual, Cox looked around until he spotted Carla. "_What happened_?"

Carla cleared her throat, loosening it so she wouldn't yet betray her anxiety. She spoke clearly and carefully but fast enough to keep Perry from throttling her. "One of the patients from the psych ward had an…episode. She broke out, found a scalpel from a chest tube tray and grabbed Jack."

"I was super brave, Dad!" Jack burrowed upwards and grinned at his father. "Just like GI Joe!" Perry smacked a kiss right on the kid's nose.

"You sure were, sweetie." Jordan tried to smile at Jack, was wracked by a sudden sob, and buried her face into Perry's shoulder. "Oh God…" she wept. Dr. Cox wrapped his arms around his family but kept his eyes locked on Carla's. His voice was made of steel, his face expressionless, his body language statuesque.

"Whose blood is this?"

Jordan, finally able to breathe, gathered her wits and her skirt and stood up with Jack in her arms. "Let's get home."

"Newbie can cover my patients. I'll go get the car."

"No." Jordan's voice was uncharacteristically soft and quiet, totally void of its usual sharpness. She took Perry's hand and squeezed. "You need to stay here right now. I'll take Jack home."

"Jordan—"

"Perry, go with Carla. We'll be fine. Just go with Carla now." Carla was grateful when Perry didn't put up a fight. No one but Jordan could convince him to do that otherwise. Dr. Cox kissed Jack a dozen more times before finally releasing them. He watched Jordan walk down the hall, and didn't pivot back to Carla until they were out of sight.

Carla checked her watch. "Come on, we have to get to the OR." She began to jog with Perry on her heels.

"All right, Carla, fill me in."

"Elliot and I were in the on call room when we heard Jack scream. She called security and I yelled for the guys. JD got Jack and Turk tackled the patient but—"

They rounded a corner and nearly collided with Doctor Reid. Carla's heartbeat tripled at the sight of her friend. Blood was on her lab coat and in her blonde hair, on her hands and shoes. "They just finished prepping him," Elliot immediately explained before Carla could ask.

"Is he ok?"

Doctor Elliot Reid was suddenly replaced by Elliot: a vulnerable, anxious wreck. "He crashed and we had to do CPR right on the elevator floor. Turk was carrying him and we just set him down and—Carla, I'm not sure if…"

Carla felt Perry Cox stiffen beside her. He slowly walked between the two women and went to the operating room's observation window. Carla watched his facial expressions in the glass. Inside, Todd and Turk stood with a half-dozen surgical nurses over the pale, unconscious form of John Dorian. Turk was focused, but his wife could see that he was shaking slightly. Tenderly he pressed his fingers across JD's forehead. Carla knew he was praying. Instruments were pressed into the surgeons' palms, and the operation began. Perry stepped forward, leaned his forehead against the glass and sighed. His breath fogged up the window, momentarily blocking out JD's face.

"From what we could judge from the angle of the entry, the scalpel nicked a lung and hit his heart…there was a lot of blood loss."

"He saved Jack's life…" Perry whispered.

"Yes. He did."

"Will he live?"

Carla didn't respond, and neither did Elliot. They would all have to wait for the answer.

JD's eyes were open, his ears weren't blocked, his nose wasn't plugged…but he couldn't see, couldn't hear, couldn't get any of his senses to function. He hovered in an eerie limbo, waiting for his body to work again. Gradually, he began to feel the blanket over him and the mattress below. He smelled iodine, tasted blood in his mouth, heard the beeping of a heart monitor and Turk's familiar snoring somewhere near. And then he could see Perry Cox.

"Hey there, Newbie."

The whisper hit JD like a punch. He clenched his eyes shut and simply breathed. Minutes passed, and both men patiently let them. And then JD took the deepest of breaths and exhaled words by degrees: "Is…Jack…ok?"

Perry smiled, but only with his lips. "He's fine…how do you feel?"

JD swallowed. "Lou-sy."

"Water?" JD nodded. Dr. Cox disappeared from his sight and reappeared with a cup and a small sponge on the end of a straw. He dipped it in the liquid and then held the sponge to JD's lips. JD drank. The effort drained him and before he could help or even begin to fight it, his eyes closed on themselves.

"Newbie?"

"Sleep…"

"Soon. Soon, kid. Look at me." JD felt Dr. Cox's fingers in his hair. "Open your eyes, son."

Son?

JD obeyed. If he didn't know any better, if he wasn't a doctor and didn't know perfectly well that his brain was exhausted and he was quite possibly delusional, he would've sworn that Perry Cox was crying. Cox looked at him for a moment before his face screwed up uncontrollably and he pressed his forehead against JD's shoulder.

"Dr. Cox…what's wrong?"

Perry blinked at him. "I'm worried about my son."

"I thought you said Jack's ok."

"He's fine—"

"But—"

"Jack's fine, Newb—JD." Cox stared at him so long that if JD had the energy, he would've blushed. "Thank you." A healing warmth spread across JD's body, waking up his nerves, strengthening his heart, reminding his body that it was time to wake up and get to work.

Before he fell asleep, JD felt dry lips on his forehead and heard a voice say something he'd never expected to hear. "I love you JD."


	2. A Falling Idol's Plunge

**Rating:** PG13  
**Summary:** An anthology of short stories about Perry Cox's life.

**Perry Cox  
**PenPatronus

**Chapter Two: A Falling Idol's Plunge**

Summary: Jordan finds Perry after he lost the three transplant patients in the episode "My Lunch."

Jordan Sullivan enjoyed the clicking sound her high heels made. It was odd that a sound could be sexy and intimidating and powerful, but she managed it on tile, on cement, on the sticky floor at the bar, and even in her apartment even though the rhythm was interrupted by the toys she had to step over and around. And sometimes those heels had to step over and around a beeping pager, broken stethoscope, and a ripped white lab jacket. Jordan took a deep breath and activated the answering machine while she clicked her way towards the master bedroom.

"Perry, what the hell do you think you're doing leaving your shift early?" Bob Kelso. Shit. "Get your ass back here, now!"

"Dr. Cox…this is Ted Buckland, you know, from the hospital? You know who I am, right? I'm bald…you know, I'm that bald guy, Ted, from work…"

The bedroom door was closed, but not locked. Jordan pushed on it, and slowly let the potent light in.

"…discuss those three patients that died today. The families have some questions for you. Call me. This is Ted, Ted from work."

The clicking sound was hardly appropriate for the scene she found. Jordan removed her heels and tiptoed over and around a half-dozen empty beer bottles. Perry Cox was laying on his back in their bed, staring at the ceiling. Jordan took a bottle off his stomach and placed it on the bedside table.

"Perry, it's me: Carla. I'm just calling to check on you. JD talked to me and…Look, just call me, all right? I—we're all worried about you. Just call and let me know you're ok. Ok?"

Before she got under the covers with him, Jordan unbuttoned her blouse, hoping that might help a little. Sometimes that was all she could do. Perry didn't stir, only blinked when she nuzzled her face against his bearded cheek, ran one hand through his curls and the other down his chest. Jordan's brain whirled around itself, searching for what to say, desperate for the _right_ thing to say. She knew how the transplant patients in the ICU had been going sour…Perry wouldn't have left Sacred Heart if something hadn't gone horribly wrong.

What was always right to say, in any situation and at any time (as long as she meant it) was "I love you, Perry Cox." She whispered it into his ear over and over until he blinked and a tear slid from his cheek to land on hers. He twisted in her embrace then, suddenly and almost violently, re-positioning his body until it completely intertwined with hers: legs and arms wrapped around legs and arms and his face between her breasts. Perry yanked the pillows up over their heads and made them into a cocoon. He was trembling.

"Stay with me?" Cox whispered. His voice was hoarse and full of alcohol. "Jordan…Stay with me?"

She answered with a kiss.


	3. Better to Have Loved

**Perry Cox  
**PenPatronus

**Chapter Three: Better to Have Loved  
**Summary: JD comes back after visiting Kim (and finding out that she had a miscarriage), and talks to Perry after Jordan's surgery.

He found Dr. Cox sitting beside the hospital bed. Jordan was sleeping, and looked ten times more peaceful than she ever was awake. Perry was stretched out awkwardly but protectively with his chin on her shoulder, one hand behind her hair and the other gently massaging her pregnant stomach, doing circles around the bandages from her recent surgery.

"Hey."

Cox looked up and blinked, and JD waved from the door. JD knew his grin was absurdly goofy but told himself it would make Perry feel better. It was guaranteed that he would go on a three-minute rant about how JD looked like a little girl waving at her mommy for a cupcake, and that would be an instant ice-breaker, a sense of normalcy for both men amongst the chaos of the past day.

But Cox's response was a soft, simple "Hey" back. Luckily, before JD got uncomfortable, Cox raised his head, squinted, had an exaggerated sniff and commented, "You smell like a combination of naval lint, rotten gouda and Kelso's feet, Newbie."

JD sighed with relief. The surgery must have gone smoothly. "Yeah, that's what hours and hours in a cab will do to you. Plus I live in a tent so I have to come here to shower anyway."

"Didn't you get back last night with the rest of the A-Team?"

"No, they—Turk called us after Jordan's ultrasound and they decided to get back here as soon as possible."

Cox frowned. "Why?" A moment later he'd answered his own question and looked at the floor with a soft smile. "And here I thought Carla came bolting into the hospital because she missed Izzy."

JD set his backpack on the floor, took a seat across from Cox and nodded at Jordan. "How is she?"

Cox grinned so brightly it looked painful. "My girls are fine."

JD chuckled, "Girls?"

"Yep. Gandhi said she has quite the handshake. She'd probably be able to beat you up even in the womb." Perry seemed to picture the scene for a moment and his smile managed to widen even more. "The next batch of interns should thank their lucky stars. If anything will soften me up it's having a daughter, not that spending time with little girls like you has done that. Though, I was kind of hoping for another boy, partially because now I have to find a girl's name I haven't used with you, partially because I wanted to name my child Benji."

"You could name her Benjina and call her Benji. You've never called me Benjina."

"Or, _Benjina_…maybe you'll have a son. Ben Dorian. And I'll call _her_ Benjina."

It was a stab in the gut fiercer than his appendix pain. And the stress-induced headache that had been lying in wait in the back of his skull ignited. "I won't be having a son."

"I realize you're a young doctor, Gladys, but one thing you should've learned by now is that there's a fifty percent chance that you'll have a son."

JD hadn't gotten tearful at all when he was with Kim, but now he found the room suddenly blurring and his life with it. Perhaps the shock of losing the baby had just worn off. Perhaps he realized he suddenly missed something—someone he never even had. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep and the long cab ride. Perhaps it was because as much as Cox discouraged it, JD still found himself unable to not show emotion around his father figure. Perhaps it was because if anyone could understand what he was going through right now, it was Perry Cox. "Kim had a miscarriage."

Cox sat back in his chair and slowly brought his hands up to intertwine and rest on top of his head. The two men sat in silence for several lengthy moments with the only sound being Jordan's heavy breathing. Cox broke the silence quietly: patting it on the shoulder rather than bursting it. "I'm so sorry, Newbie." Perry suddenly stood, walked to the window, balled his fists and pushed against it. "God, I'm a dumbass."

JD cocked an eyebrow in confusion.

"I used to think that finding out Jack was mine after he was born was one of the hardest things I'd ever have to go through. And then it felt like the end of the world when I found out my daughter had to have surgery. But it doesn't compare to what you—to what you must be feeling…I really am sorry, JD."

Perry pressed his forehead against the glass and sighed.

"Dammit, here I am feeling so sorry for myself, so angry that my baby probably won't be perfect when she's born, feeling like it's the end of the world…God, and now you've lost your baby. But I'll have a daughter. And she'll be perfect the way she is."

"Yeah, she will," said JD, his voice husky. He thought of Jack, of Isabella. Newborn babies were always perfect, and JD wondered how soon he would get a chance to find out again.


	4. Things We Do to the People that We Love

**Perry Cox  
**PenPatronus

**Chapter Four: The Things We Do to the People That We Love  
**Summary: Jordan and Perry spend some time in the supply closet.

Dr. Perry Cox whipped his stethoscope off his neck and was about to raise the earpieces when someone tugged on it like it was a pigtail.

"Jordan, what—"

She looked amazing in black. Her skirt was short, her heels tall, her blouse low. Jordan pressed a forefinger to his lips, took his hand and began to lead him down the hallway. Perry chuckled and obediently followed her into the nearest supply closet. Normally his job came first, as he told his inferiors whenever he caught them making out, but it was a slow day at Sacred Heart. The moment Jordan closed the door behind them, Perry shed his lab coat, pressed his body against hers and kissed her with all his passion and urgency. She wrapped her arms around his neck and scratched at his clothes, raised her leg across his and nibbled on every inch of skin she could reach.

"Jordan," he growled into her neck when she began kissing his. "We should do this everyday." She pressed her lips to his, and for the longest time Perry could only focus on the soft heat of her tongue. And then she was in the air, her legs around his waist. When his body reached the point where they would either have to stop or leave for the nearest hotel (or at least a bigger closet), Perry stepped out of Jordan's arms and leaned against the shelves to catch his breath.

"Baby, we'll have to continue this later. When do you get off today?"

Jordan carefully rearranged her hair, folded her arms to her stomach and stared at him silently, but there was amusement rather than annoyance in her eyes.

"Jordan?" Perry frowned as he slid his t-shirt back on. "Baby, why aren't you speaking?"

Jordan flipped on the light switch and stood under the bulb with her mouth open and tongue out. For a moment Perry thought she was attempting to be sexy in some bizarre new way, but then his doctor instincts took over and Perry fished into his lab jacket for a flashlight. He squinted, eyeing the swelling and redness in her throat.

"Laryngitis. You can't speak. And you—" Perry flipped off the light and stared at her. "Jordan, you _kissed_ me!"

At that moment the closet door opened. Jordan held out her hand, palm up, and a half-dozen hands placed twenty-dollar bills in hers. JD, Elliot, Laverne, Carla, Turk and Keith stood applauding and laughing. Rage boiled in Perry but, uncharacteristically, he remained calm (after calling Jordan a bitch).

"Pardon me, Newbie. I have to go spit in Kelso's coffee."


	5. In the ICU, 1

**Perry Cox  
**PenPatronus

Story #5:  
**In the ICU, 1  
**

Barely two minutes into their shift the crescendoing beeps of dozens of pagers echoed across the ICU.

JD and Elliot, Turk and Dr. Cox were all huddled around a nurses' station talking to Carla when a heart transplant patient flat-lined. JD reacted the quickest. He was in the room with a paddle in each hand before the others even blinked. Carla was right behind him, and together they started CPR.

"CLEAR!"

"More coffee, Turk?" Elliot smiled sunshine and held up Nurse Roberts' latest pot.

"Thanks, Elliot."

"CLEAR!" JD's voice boomed with a fierceness that only surfaced when he was in full-out doctor mode.

"You want a cup, Dr. Cox?" Perry didn't stir. He was stretching around the counter, intently watching JD work. Elliot shrugged, poured him one anyway and took a long drag of her own.

Dr. Cox suddenly bolted towards the patient's alcove, leaving two confused doctors in his wake. "Barbie, Gandhi, come!" He stopped outside the window and stared at JD. Turk and Elliot came to stand on either side of him.

"There's a beat, Carla, but it's irregular so one more time—CLEAR!"

"Dr. Cox, what is it?" Elliot asked. "JD's doing fine."

JD whipped his stethoscope on in a single motion. "There's fluid, Carla, get me a chest tray."

Carla ran past the three of them, and then back again with a cart before her. Elliot frowned at Perry, anxiety blossoming in her heart. "Dr. Cox?"

"Ten seconds," Cox muttered under his breath, and then he began to yell. "Gandhi, go get a gurney, pronto. Barbie, be ready to jump into the game." Without further explanation, Cox dove into the room and quickly positioned himself directly behind JD, who didn't notice him.

"It's not clearing, JD," Carla said, her voice shaking but her expression stable.

"We lost the heartbeat again! Carla, let's…Carla…"

Time and movement slowed.

One moment JD was leaning over the patient, alert and focused and active, and the next his entire body seemed to shut down as if someone had simply flipped a switch. His eyes shut. His ankles rolled and his knees bowed from the shift of weight. His arms flopped limply to his sides. His head lolled backwards from the momentum, and he collapsed, unconscious, right into Perry Cox's waiting arms. Cox used his shoulder to cushion JD's head as he wrapped one arm under the doctor's midsection and the other under his knees. He fell to the ground with him, slowing them both with his strength as he went. "Easy, Newbie," Cox whispered. "I gotcha, I gotcha." He stood with JD in his arms, the younger doctor's face cradled against Cox's chest. "Take over, Barbie," Cox ordered Elliot to continue the resuscitation as he quickly carried JD out of the room. Elliot managed to bypass her instincts to go right to JD, and she immediately filled his spot.

"All right Carla, starting CPR, 1, 2, 3, 4…"

Turk, who was long used to obeying Cox's instincts, had a gurney waiting right outside the door. "JD! Cox, what the hell happened?" Perry gently laid JD onto the mattress and Turk adjusted his friend, running his doctor's hands up and down his body. "God, he's pale."

"His Vasovagal Syncope reflex activated from stress. Let's get him to a room." They rolled JD down the hall as Elliot and Carla's voices followed them.

"Perry…" Fear was in Turk's voice and on his face. "God, look at him! This isn't exactly a low-stress job. How can JD be a doctor with this condition?"

"I don't know," Perry shook his head. He looked down at the unconscious JD and passed a hand through his unruly hair. "I don't know."


	6. A Rock and a Hard Place Called Hell, 1

**Author's Notes:**

This story was written after "My Therapeutic Month" during the sixth season of "Scrubs."

I suppose I should explain why I have this anthology format of semi-related glimpses that feel like they should bloom into their own multi-chaptered stories. As I'm sure those of you who write can understand, I have all of these ideas that I want to dive into, but I know my attention wanes with longer fics. While reading other authors' fan fiction I end up scanning, looking for the meat, the Real moment. So I decided to just stick with the important parts of the "Scrubs" stories I wanted to tell. I wanted to strip away all the non-essentials and focus the reader on a single moment, or line of dialogue, or expression on a character's face, or, in "A Rock and a Hard Place", on a realization. And the common thread is always Perry.

I hope the confusion is worth it! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart's soul, for all of your reviews! (Hell yeah!)

PenPatronus

**Perry Cox**

PenPatronus

**Story #6: A Rock and a Hard Place Called Hell**

Summary: Perry runs into Kim at a medical conference, and finds out that she's still pregnant.

Dr. Perry Cox "attended" medical conferences for the same reasons Hawkeye Pierce did on "MASH": alcohol, golf, and a chance to escape the war. Of course _his_ war was against Jordan, Bob Kelso, and the health insurance companies (which Perry Cox was convinced were fiercer than North Korean communists).

Perry found himself hesitating as he loaded his bags and golf clubs into the Porsche. His one-month-old daughter was still asleep in her crib and, help him, part of Perry just wanted to stay home and stare at that cherub all day. He had a son and a baby girl and hadn't felt so good since that time he punched Kelso in the nose. But he kissed his daughter, his son, and his ex-wife and forced himself to drive to Washington. He needed a break from Sacred Heart anyway. Newbie was on an absolute rampage of annoyance. The little bastard had actually called the apartment before Perry left to say "Good morning, Dr. Cox! We'll miss you at the hospital this weekend! Did you get that road trip CD that I—" Cox had groaned and hung up.

And now he was at the Tacoma hospital, showing his face at the conference just long enough to sign-in (it was a full weekend of dermatology and podiatry for Hippocrates' sake) and while he was signing-in he heard a conversation behind him.

"Dr. Briggs! What are you doing back here? Obviously your maternity leave isn't over!"

Perry froze.

"Hi Rachel, I'm just stopping in for my paycheck."

"When's your due date?"

"Oh, in two weeks, but babies always come early in my family so I'm surprised I've lasted this long!" There was a tired tint to Kim Briggs' voice.

Perry finished writing his name and stood over the table, staring into empty space. Kim was right behind him, chatting away with a nurse. She was nine months pregnant and had left Sacred Heart eight months before. Cox remembered when JD came back from visiting her for her first ultrasound. Shit had hit the fan in all their lives around then. And now… Perry had two choices: cover his head and run out the door and play golf all weekend, or turn around and ask Kim why she was pregnant with John Dorian's child. Perry mentally kicked himself—stupid conference! He should've remembered that in order to avoid people you have to avoid places where people know you! And what the hell was with Fate that it would put _him_ of all people in this situation? This was a dilemma meant for Turk, or Carla, or Elliot. Not Perry Cox.

_Damn_ was golf tempting.

But then Perry thought of Jordan and Jack. What was with women not telling their lovers they were having a baby? When Perry looked back over the past years, he was thankful that Jack was his even if he found out the wrong way. He wouldn't deny anyone that joy (even if Newbie did make him a mixed CD of power ballads). And so, Perry Cox conjured his most evil glare, the look that made interns wet themselves. An evil glare that all evil glares would be measured against for years to come. He turned around, spread his legs, folded his arms to his chest and made direct eye contact with Kim.

"D-Dr. Cox!" she stuttered. "It-It's good to see you! How—How's…everything…" She had the decency to try and cover her stomach for only a moment longer before she dropped her hands and eyes and shoulders and sighed. Kim looked odd. She was pregnant but looked as if she'd actually lost weight. She looked depressed and tired, like she was losing the fight to hide her distress. "I suppose you're wondering why I lied to JD."

"That's the third or fourth thing about to come out of my mouth." He stared at her, and she stared at his shoes. He softened his voice slightly. "Do you have plans for lunch?"

"There's a pizzeria down the street."

"Meet you there."

"Ok."

"Five pounds, four ounces. She has her mother's eyes and my hair. It's starting to curl and redden already. She…we think she has Down Syndrome, but she's perfect. Perfect."

"I'm having a girl too." Kim took a long sip of her Diet Coke. "So…how is he? We kept in touch for a few weeks after we broke up, but that's it."

Perry chewed his pizza slowly, thoughtfully. The truth was that the past year had been tough on the kid, but JD had grown a lot too. The question on the table before them both was whether the news that he still had a baby would make JD's life better or worse. Either way he would be a hell of a father. JD took care of Jack while Jordan was in labor and now Perry's son called him "Jadie." Luckily, Perry got Jack to put "Aunt" before that. Now whenever Jordan brought their son to the hospital, Jack would yell for "Auntie Jadie." Unfortunately, that made the relationship more endearing rather than entertaining. Dammit.

"He's his usual annoying, gay, girlie self. If you want to know anything beyond that, you should ask him yourself when you tell him you're having his baby…It _is_ his, right?"

Kim nodded. She leaned her elbows into the red-and-white checkered tablecloth and matched the intensity of Perry's gaze. "I don't want him to know. I don't. Perry, please—"

"Either you tell him or I will. I mean it."

"If you care about him, you won't."

The waiter came by then, and Cox ordered two beers. The waiter glanced at the pregnant Kim and frowned. "They're both for me, buddy," Cox said. The waiter still frowned, but it was a different frown. Perry turned back to Kim. "I don't get it. There are plenty of worse guys out there than John Dorian. In fact…" Perry was unable to force down the rising pride he felt when he thought of his young protégé. "You're lucky to know him. I mean that. I do. If you think he's immature or you're trying to protect him for some reason—"

"It's not that." Kim wasn't crying but her eyes glittered in the rays of dust-filled sunshine from the window. "I just—I just don't love him enough to—I realize I haven't known him that long either but…he's a nice guy, Dr. Cox, he is, but we're not married and I don't owe him anything."

Dr. Cox conjured a look of empathy as powerful as his evil glare, and then promptly spit it at her. "Bullshit." He reared back in his chair and folded his muscled arms to his chest. "Kim, if you don't want Samantha to be your girlfriend, nobody can insist otherwise. If you want to take him to court and try to get full custody of your daughter, be my guest. But you do care about him. And when you decide to have sex with someone—"

"We didn't—"

"—you are not only risking pregnancy but also having that person involved in your life for the remainder of it. So. I'll say again: you tell him, or I will."

She began to cry then. Quietly, the swollen tears slithered down her cheeks so slowly that Perry followed their descent. "Dr. Cox," she hiccupped, "this is all I can say: if you love JD, you won't tell him. If he knows the baby is his he'll want to be with me, and that will put him in danger."

Cox's frown deepened. The space between him and Kim flexed, then began to suffocate from the sudden tension. When he actually tried, Perry had the ability to read people quite accurately, and he could tell that Kim was sincerely afraid. Something clicked in the back of his brain. "The skeleton in your closet is your ex-husband, isn't it, Kim? He thinks the baby is his."

Kim nodded. "Ryan came to town a few days after I found out I was pregnant and we spent a night together. He has this…power over me. I was lucky to escape him in the divorce, but that's why I never pursued anyone after him until JD. I was terrified that I would find another guy like Ryan. When he found out I had been with JD, he was furious. It took everything short of an army to keep him from hunting JD down. And if he finds out that this is JD's baby, not his…Perry, he'll hurt him. You don't understand what Ryan's like…the people he knows, the things he's already done…Perry, he'll kill JD."

_Oh God no…_

They finished in silence: Kim ignoring the remainder of her food and Perry devouring his. The bill came, and was paid. The table was cleared and cleaned and still they sat. And then Perry stood, looked down at Kim and said "In about six hours I'll be home, and I'll find JD. You have until then to tell him everything you've told me. Kim. He should know. I will tell him, and you will help me protect him."

Kim roughly swiped at her tears and scowled. "I thought you cared for him!"

Perry thought of JD. "I know now that I care for him more than I ever thought I would. I care enough to get involved in this nightmare of a soap opera." Perry thought of Jack. He nodded at Kim's midsection. "I also care for her. It's obvious that it's your daughter who is in the real trouble, Kim. You won't be helping her if you run and hide from this. If our roles were reversed, I know JD would do exactly what I'm doing. I'm telling him."

He whipped on his jacket and marched out of the restaurant without looking back. He got into his car, and drove 10mph under the speed limit all the way home. For a moment there, Perry Cox almost prayed.

**(To Be Continued)**


	7. A Conversation with Ben

**Author's Note: **This story is pure mush with a side of angst topped with h/c that will either make you annoyed or sniff back tears. Most likely you will roll your eyes and say "oh, brother…" Yeah, well, we all get in these kind of moods. Rated PG-13. This story was written before the season six episode, "My Fishbowl."

**Perry Cox  
**PenPatronus

Story #7:  
**A Conversation with Ben**

His camera swung from his neck in that sudden, sharp, velvet-scented breeze that only occurs right before dusk when the sun exhales His last breath of the day.

He was sitting on his own tombstone, grinning and waving like he'd been waiting impatiently for years. He looked and was dressed exactly like the last time Perry saw him: brown hair (the same color as Jordan's naturally dark shade), jeans, boots, navy blue t-shirt with an opened button-down shirt overtop, wide goofy smile outshining everything including the remaining sunlight. Perry was wearing what he'd had on for Jack's sixth birthday party: jeans, hockey jersey, and a beer in his hand. "I would've brought you one," he said in greeting, raising the bottle, "but your taste buds have decomposed."

Ben Sullivan shrugged. "No sweat. Beer rains from the sky where I live, buddy. By the way, Perry, I reserved you a bachelor pad. Great view of the ocean. Lots of chicks. Silk hammocks."

Perry sat in the grass and leaned against the gravestone, his legs casually crossed in front of him. He leaned his cheek against Ben's birth date. "Would that be an ocean of fire or an ocean of vaginas?"

Ben hopped down beside his best friend and crossed his legs in the same way. "Blue water, man. Crystal. White sand and palm trees and…what's a vagina?"

Perry choked on his drink. He stared at Ben with wide eyes and opened and closed his mouth robotically until he caught the joke. "So that means we will be in Hell, eh?"

Ben kept his confused expression for only a moment longer before it snapped back into a smile. "Pay up!" Ben punched Perry in the shoulder. "I had you going for five and a half seconds, but I don't have any change. Pay up!" Perry took out a five dollar bill and smacked it into Ben's palm so hard that Ben yelped. "In Heaven women rain from the sky with the beer, Perry."

"I'm pretty sure I already have a reservation booked in the same torture chamber as my father, Ben. I've already RSVP-ed for an eternity of thirst and thumbscrews and rape. It would be rude to crash your party."

"Oh don't be ridiculous. You're a decent guy. You're a healer. You save lives. All dogs and doctors go to Heaven."

Perry looked hopeful. "Really?"

"Oh, what do I know? I just live there, I don't make the rules." Ben shrugged. "So, how's my mom doing?"

Perry's eyebrows shot up. "I thought _you_ would know! You mean you haven't seen her?" Ben's mouth unhinged itself, but only for four seconds. Perry held his own palm up this time. "You don't have change. Give it all back!" Grumbling, Ben returned the money.

Perry fumbled around in his jeans pockets and took out a crumbled napkin with a rainbow "Happy Birthday!" on the front and scribbling on the back. "So I brought a list of people I need you to check up on for me."

"You actually wrote a list? You are so lame. What about _my_ list? How is everyone? Jordan and Danny and Jack and JD and, you know, earth?"

Perry shrugged, uncrossed and re-crossed his legs, and took a long, lingering sip of his beer. "I am unfortunately still in love with that sister of yours. Danny's fine, Jack's fine, Lindsey's fine. They're fine. The only thing not fine is that Bob Kelso retired. That's _fantastic_."

"And how are you?"

"Fine. Now look, I lost a patient last week, name of Matthews, and I need to know that he's ok. Then there's the beagle Paige and I had when we were kids. And, oh yeah, I need you to check on Laverne Roberts too but please, Ben, make Rowdy a priority."

"You know, Perry, it's a real waste of an imaginary conversation with your dead best friend if you don't at least let me shrink your head. Seriously, I'm dead, I've got nothing better to do, and I certainly can't snitch your darkest secrets since, you know, I'm dead. Have I mentioned I'm dead?"

"Don't remind me. I dwell on that enough already."

Ben cocked his head to the side and looked down at his camera for something to concentrate on. "You still do?"

"Yeah." Perry finished his beer. "Yeah."

Ben dropped the subject, and waited patiently for Perry to pick up a new one. When he didn't, Ben cheerfully began, "So you'll have a whole basketball court and flat screen TVs and bars in the bachelor pad but—"

"Ben? Do you have any regrets?" The sun finished setting, and Perry watched the colors change in the graveyard. Melons and lavenders were replaced by grays and forest-greens.

Ben sat down beside Perry. "Sure I do. Anyone who says they don't regret anything about their lives is lying to themselves. You can't help but have regrets. You should try not to, but seriously Perry, don't be too hard on yourself if you do." Ben crossed his arms to his chest and shifted in the grass. He sighed dramatically. "I wish I would've had more sex." Both men chuckled. "I wish I would've gotten married and raised a son like Jack. And I wish I would've told you that I'd fallen out of remission. I spent the last four months of my trip laid up in hostels...but I did see the Eiffel tower from my window! That counts, right?" Perry stared at the shadows. Ben sighed, but kept his voice characteristically light. "What do you regret, Perry?"

Cox snickered. He automatically reached for his beer before he remembered that it was gone. He tossed the bottle across the graveyard and they both watched the glass shatter. "Lies. Insults. Not being sensitive enough. Not being able to forgive my mom and dad. Hurting Jordan, losing patients, missing Redwings games, not tracking your ass down in Europe and spoon-feeding you chemo myself…I kinda regret that I don't really have any _friendships_, Benji. Not like I had with you."

Ben held up a forefinger. "Have."

"I mean, there's Carla. Yeah, we're good friends. She's a jewel, reads me well, kicks me in the ass when I deserve it. We're close enough that when our significant others are dead we'll probably turn to each other for support or at least someone familiar to share a bed with until _we_ die."

Ben didn't let him get away with just that. "And?"

"And then there's…you know, Jordan…"

"What about JD?"

Cox shrugged. "Yeah, whatever."

"Perry, I know this may sound absurd and you have no reason to believe me other than the fact that I am obviously the visual representation of your subconscious (Perry rolled his eyes) but please listen to me when I tell you it's important to move on and get close to other people. I know you and I had this rare connection but I guarantee it's not that hard to find with somebody else if you just let yourself be open to the possibility."

Perry folded his arms to his chest and snorted. "If I may quote my son, _I don't wanna_."

Ben snorted back, partially teasing. His grin was lopsided. "Why not?"

Perry thought for a moment. When he spoke again his voice was quiet and airy. "I don't know. I don't really understand myself sometimes, Ben. So how can I expect someone else to understand me?"

"Man, that's the point of friendships. As you get to know them, they help you get to know yourself."

"You've gotten wise in your old age, Benji."

"Perry…what makes a friend? I bet you have friends that fit your definition."

"Someone who's not annoying who I can drink beer and watch sports with?"

Ben elbowed Perry in the gut. "How about someone who will be there for you? Who will baby-sit Jack when you're sick or cover a patient when you're eating lunch? Someone who sees the good in you? Someone who loves you even though you're a complete ass? How about someone who will simply sit with you while you try to drown yourself with scotch."

Perry frowned. The air around them felt cold, and his skin goosebumped. "I don't have anyone like that. Not since you, Ben. I don't have a single person like that in my life."

"Yeah you do." Ben raised his camera. "Yeah you do." Ben said "say cheese," and a blinding flash lit up the scene.

"Dr. Cox?"

Perry felt the fantasy pop like a balloon, and suddenly he realized he was drunk and sitting in the dark on his best friend's grave with someone staring down at him. Ben disappeared, taking all the light and heat and love in the world with him. Perry took a moment to readjust to reality before attempting to speak. "Newbie?"

"Hey." John Dorian sat down in the grass and dirt in front of Cox. "Jordan sent me. We were worried when you disappeared from the party. I thought you might be here, you know, after I checked the hospital and the bar and the strip clubs—"

"I'm here. Did I miss anything?"

JD pointed to his forehead. "I forgot my piñata helmet. Isabella will grow up to be a professional baseball player, not a surgeon." Perry chuckled at the mental image of his goddaughter knocking JD unconscious. "Jack loves the watercolors and that pink tent that Elliot got him more than the hockey balls and basketpucks. And I would like to mention that the toy stethoscope Jack almost choked himself with was a gift from Turk, definitely _not_ from me. Oh, and that daughter of yours is totally flirting with me." JD stuffed his fists in his jean pockets and slouched a bit so that he was looking up at Cox instead of down. "Come on, Perry, I'll drive you home."

"Newbie? What are we?"

JD frowned. Cox didn't see it, but he sensed the expression. The frown hovered in the space between them. "We're, uh, we're…doctors, Perry. And we're…men? I mean, one of us is at least." JD chuckled, and waited several long moments for Cox to join in. JD shrugged uncomfortably and offered, "We're friends, man."

Perry looked up. "Yeah?"

"Of course."

JD got up first, and held out his hand with the palm up. Perry pushed away from the coldness of Ben's grave, and let JD pull him to his feet.


	8. A Conversation with Turk

**Summary:** Turk and Perry talk. Sort of.

**Author's Note:** This story takes place during the episode "My Fallen Idol" in season five. In case you don't recall, Perry spent the episode downing scotch on his couch after he accidentally killed three patients in "My Lunch." We see him with Carla, Elliot, Kelso and JD, but they don't show him and Turk interacting. This is the missing scene.

**Perry Cox  
**PenPatronus

Story #8:  
**A Conversation with Turk **

"Hey, Dr. Cox."

_Ah. It's Gandhi time. Hi Gandhi_. Perry Cox raised his glass of scotch half an inch in greeting. _Back again? Boy you're whipped by that wife of yours. Got you by the balls, she does. Wish she had mine. I'd chop them off and present them on a silver platter._

"How ya doing today, man?"

_Well enough to glare and make sarcastic comments, in my mind at least. Well enough that there are only two of you. On Tuesday there were three. Gandhi, is today Thursday or Sunday? _

Turk stopped just inside the door to Cox's apartment. "Is someone in the bedroom?" Cox saw Turk's ears physically perk up as he listened. "Is that Jordan crying?"

_She's been doing that today. Not sure why. She needs a scotch. Scotch is supposed to make you feel better, Gandhi, don't you know that? That's what's supposed to happen, right? I'm supposed to feel better if I drink it? Right? _

"I didn't think she was even capable of making tears." Chris Turk chuckled awkwardly to himself, took off his jacket and slumped into the couch beside Perry, mimicking his lazy posture. He reached across the table to help himself to a bottle of scotch, but stopped short. He glanced at Perry, and seemed to think better of it. Instead, he scooped up the TV remote.

_You know what would make me feel better? Your wife could have sex with me. That outta do it. _

During his two week "leave of absence" from work (and everything else), Perry had disintegrated into a ghost. He'd barely eaten, barely slept, hadn't showered or shaved or stopped drinking. He was a permanent fixture in the room, like a vase of flowers or a doorstop or an umbrella stand. At one point his son, Jack, who had been sitting on the couch next to him, looked up at Jordan and asked "Where daddy go?" He'd stood up o and looked all around the room, even directly at Perry's face, and still he repeated over and over, "Where daddy go where daddy go?" His own son didn't even recognize him. Perry had become part of the scenery. He'd lost all facial expression, his hair all of its spring, his eyes all of their soul. He couldn't tell that time was passing, didn't care that he wouldn't move, barely blinked when someone said his name. Nothing existed outside of his self-loathing thoughts and the scotch in his hand.

Turk found ESPN, and for an hour the two men sat in silence and both seemed perfectly content with it. Perry had refined how he used his hours: he spent the first fifteen minutes remembering, thirty wallowing in guilt, and the remaining fifteen were spent refining his suicide plan. (He was a doctor. He knew how to do it right.) Rinse and repeat.

_Where's JD? Where is he? Why isn't he here? Why hasn't he come?_ Cox shook his head fiercely, trying to re-rail his train of thoughts. He had his mind trained on how to use its time and thinking about stupid Newbie was not on the schedule.

The game switched to commercials, and Turk spoke. "Had a rough day at the hospital. A routine appendectomy went sour on The Todd, my tonsillitis patient threw up under anesthesia and we couldn't get his lungs cleared, a hobo went after Elliot with a chainsaw…"

_Did you kill anyone? Are you responsible for any deaths? Apparently not. That is not a bad day, Gandhi. That was just a day. Just another day. _

"You know what? I usually talk to Carla about stuff like this, but since when I'm here she's at home, and when she's here I'm at home, we don't really get to talk much lately."

_Do you see me holding a gun to your bald head and forcing you to be here? Do you see me even_ asking _you to be here? Nope nope!_

"So I guess I'll just pretend you're Carla, and tell you about my day."

Oh dear God I actually am in hell…Perry zoned out as Turk started talking. He went through a bottle of scotch before there was a concluding sentence. 

"And then JD was like 'and that's what the bastard child of Kelso and the Janitor would look like on fire and in a cucumber suit'!" Turk burst into laughter, spitting all over Perry's face. "I think I like you like this, man, all quiet."

_My son is scared of me_.

Something passed across Turk's face. A shadow, but invisible. Sly and prowling. If it weren't for…well, Perry thought he was looking into a mirror. "It's been pretty weird not seeing you at the hospital every day. Yesterday I called JD 'Charlotte' because I missed…He misses you. You should see him. Yesterday he couldn't remember what medication to give and he immediately started looking around for you. You should've seen the look on his face when he remembered that you weren't there. Then he had to lock his pager in his locker because he kept going to it automatically…going for you, I mean, Perry…and…Perry, with you not at the hospital I, uh, I have to be Superman, ya know? I, uh, I have to hold our little group together. I don't even think you realized that you were doing that, but you were. Guess we miss it now that we don't have it I guess…You, uh, you got us here somehow, Perry, I hated you at times but you got us here."

_I was scared of my father. I don't want my son to be afraid of me…I don't want you and Carla and Newbie to be scared…like I'm scared…_

"I guess pretty much everyone has been here, huh? Everyone has their own tactics, too."

_Carla keeps telling me what a good person I am. Elliot tells me bizarre stories about herself. The Todd brought porn. Laverne started crying. And I'm pretty sure she was praying, too. Bitch. Gandhi, __I'm scared of myself. _

"But I don't know what to say." Turk deflated into the couch and stared at the ceiling, at whatever ghost Perry had been staring at. He was starting to see the ghost too. "There are many ways to lose people, Perry…People die on my operating table, people die…those three patients of yours, they died, and we lost them but there are other ways to lose…losing someone like this, Perry, like we're losing you right now, this is worse…"

_I need you guys…_

"So are you going to speak anytime soon? I mean, seriously Cox, anytime soon?"

Perry took a long drag of Scotch. _Doesn't look good. _

"Perry? JD needs you. Carla needs you, Jordan and Jack need you, the hospital needs you. Perry? Perry?" A quiet sniff filled the room, filled it right up. "Perry?"

_Where's…where's JD? Where's…Where…where am _I?

An hour later, the door to the apartment slowly opened and Carla's bushy hair preceded her into the room. Her smile was the sun in Perry's world. His lips actually flinched, as if they actually wanted to smile back. "There's my boys."

_Don't look at me like that. I really can't stand it that you look at me like that…I'm making you look at me like that…Oh, Carla, I'm sorry…_

"Hey baby." Carla kissed Perry on the forehead, and Turk on the lips. "Oh good, you brought Chinese! I'll pick you up in a few hours, ok?"

"Actually, we can both head home now."

Turk's eyebrows shot up. He was about to ask Carla what she meant but she went to the door and opened it, watching Perry as she did.

JD came in. "Hey."

"'sup?" At some point Turk had put his arm around Perry's shoulders. He was careful to not let Carla see him gently pat him as he stood up.

Turk followed Carla outside and had to drag her away when she pressed her ear to the door. "Come on, baby."

"I'm glad he finally came. Do you think Dr. Cox is glad he came? I'm really glad he came." Carla doubled back, out of Turk's range, and pressed her ear to the door again. "I think JD's talking, isn't it good that JD's talking?"

Turk wrapped his arms around her midsection and forcibly removed her from the door. "Come on, baby."

"Turk."

He released her and immediately saw the tears in her eyes. She hiccupped, and instantly he had her in his arms. "Shhh," Turk soothed, "it'll be ok."

Suddenly, they heard something. Simultaneously they looked back at the door, then at each other, then at the door again. "Did you hear what I heard?"

"Yeah," Turk said with a smile, "Cox spoke."


	9. The Last of Yourself

**Summary:** JD refuses to leave Perry behind. Turk refuses to leave JD behind.

**Author's Note:** I was sleep-writing and this came out. This story is pointless. Don't read it. If you read this story, your IQ will drop at least a dozen points. It's pure PWP JD/Cox angst that makes no sense. I don't know where they are, I don't know what they're doing, why they're there or what happened. There's no canonical reason why this situation would ever even occur and I'm committing FanFiction suicide by posting it. But hell, here it is. Do enjoy the angst.

**Perry Cox  
**PenPatronus

Story #9:  
**The Last of Yourself**

The building exploded.

JD coughed and found his sight as blocked as his lungs. A black fog surrounded him, swirling upwards where the ceiling used to be, fueled by piles of burning debris. "Dr. Cox!" he yelled. He gasped and wheezed into the sleeve of his navy scrubs and fought his way to his feet. "Jack! Perry!"

A dozen firefighters streamed past, most carrying or helping injured civilians. One grabbed JD by the elbow and tried to tug him along. "Let's go, doc, there's nobody left alive!"

JD's stomach clenched. "No—I have to find my friends."

"These walls won't last five minutes! Get out of here!"

But JD fought his way further into the building, terrified of what he would (or wouldn't) find. "Oh dammit—PERRY!"

For a moment he thought he heard his name, but wondered if it was just the wind sucking smoke out of the building. But then, "Newbie…Newbie!"

JD was led to a pile of debris on top of an overturned wall. But the structure wasn't against the floor. Something was propping it up and when JD bent to look he gasped. "Oh, God."

"It's ok, Jack, you can crawl out now."

"Daddy…"

Dr. Cox was on all fours, the weight of the debris held back only by his strength. Jack was attached to one of his father's arms, covered in dirt, his eyes clenched in fear. If Cox's brace against the wall weakened, both he and Jack would be crushed. If the situation weren't so serious, JD would threaten to tickle him.

JD leapt back to his feet and threw all of his weight and strength against the wall. Meanwhile Cox inched forward. JD held the wall up, grunting and sweating with effort as Jack whimpered below him. And then another rumble began. The rest of the ceiling was caving in. Chunks of wood clattered around them and the fires brightened.

"Jack…crawl out…daddy can't hold this up forever…" Cox coughed and JD could hear the blood in his lungs. "Jack—" There was another rumble, followed by distant crashes, and then nearby ones. "Newbie, get Jack!"

Abandoning his efforts to hold up the debris, JD reached beneath it, grabbed the 4-year-old and yanked just as Cox's strength gave out and the pile collapsed on top of him. With the screaming Jack held protectively to his chest, JD rolled out of the way, over cement blocks and through ashes. "Daddy!" Jack wiggled out of JD's grasp and crawled back towards his father. Coughing, tripping and suddenly crying, JD followed and snatched the child up before he reached the scene. Only Cox's head and ones shoulder and arm could be seen through the debris around him. The parts of him not covered in dirt were sticky with blood, but his eyes were open and alert.

"_DAD_!"

"JD, get my son out of here!" Perry arched in pain and desperation, but he couldn't move. Blood was on the teeth he bared in pain. "JD, go!"

JD obliged. Though Jack kicked and screamed at him and pieces of tile and cement continued to rain down, he fought through it all to get Jack to safety.

The last thing he heard from Perry Cox was "Don't come back for me!"

---

"There!" Carla pointed, and Turk followed her line of sight to the shadowy figures emerging from the smoke surrounding the building.

"JD!" Turk and Carla rushed forward.

"Carla, take him!" JD pushed a hysterical Jack into her arms and after scanning JD to make sure he was all right, Carla jogged to the nearby ambulance.

"Where's Cox?" Turk asked.

"He's stuck in there." JD pivoted and began to jog back to the building when Turk literally tackled him to the ground.

"John Dorian, you are NOT going back inside!"

JD punched him. Punched Turk right in the jaw and sprinted forward. "_JD_!"

He found Cox where he left him, but still and silent, his arm broken but cushioning his cheek. JD knelt beside his mentor, and was relieved when Cox stirred.

"Jack?"

"Safe with Carla."

Perry smiled and slumped back against his arm.

"Hang on, Perry." JD pressed his palm to Perry's cheek before he went looking for something to scoot beneath the wall, bracing it so he could pull Cox out. There was nothing: everything was either too small to fit or too big to move or on fire. JD cursed.

Just then the wall furthest from them collapsed. A maelstrom of debris was whipped up like a sandstorm. JD dove back to Cox and protected him. Splinters rained down on their heads and a brick bounced off JD's shoulder. The noise woke up Perry, who glared up at JD.

"Newbie, get the hell out of here!"

JD shook his head. "No way."

"Kid, there's going to be a domino effect in half a second. Kelso will be pissed if both of his best doctors are killed."

At a loss and in his own pain, JD slumped to the floor. He wasn't strong enough to move the wall, and he wasn't about to leave. He leaned his face next to Cox's and placed his palm on the older man's shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere," he whispered.

Perry shook away from JD and smacked him before suddenly running his fingers through the younger man's hair. His eyes were glazed but focused on JD and they were sad…so sad. Cox seemed to reach inside and gather something from deep within: the last he had of himself.

"Listen to me, Newbie. This is why, as a doctor, you have got to keep people, _everyone_, at an arm's, possibly a full-body's length. That's what I learned from Ben's death. People you care about will die…and you have to let them die." Tears filled JD's eyes, and he let them. "What the hell do I have to do to get you out of here?"

JD chuckled. "You know what I want."

"I can't hug you, right now, kid." Perry winced and coughed and barely managed to keep his eyes open, struggling to remain conscious. Cox took a deep breath. "JD, I am so very proud of you, son. I'm honored to have taught you, and I love you." There were tears in his eyes as well, but he didn't have the strength to wipe at them. "Now go," he whispered. "Go."

"_JD_!"

"Turk? Turk!" JD leapt to his feet and sure enough, Christopher Turk was struggling towards him through the fog.

"I couldn't leave you here, man," Turk explained. He pulled JD into a hug, then looked down at Cox. "Is he alive?"

Cox's eyes were closed. He was unconscious. "Help me," JD said. He lifted up the wall, and with Turk's added strength they got it off of Cox's body, and managed to inch him out using their feet. They just got Cox into Turk's arms when the remainder of the building began to fall.


	10. A Rock and a Hard Place Called Hell, 2

**Summary: **Perry and Kim are on the road.

**Author's Notes: **In part one of this story Perry finds the pregnant Kim Briggs at a medical conference. Oddly enough, the actual "Scrubs" episode that re-introduced her took place at a conference (with JD and Turk seeing her instead of Perry). For those of you just joining us, part one was written before that episode—amusing coincidence!

In my head, this story was originally much shorter than it's turning out to be. I was going for moments and ended up with scenes. Stay tuned and bear with me!

**Perry Cox  
**PenPatronus

Story #10:  
**A Rock and a Hard Place Called Hell, 2**

"What is it with Newbie banging divorcees?" Perry wondered aloud through that trademark growl in the back of his throat. "_Honestly_. There was my Jordan, and then KFC-TCL-WWJD-what's-her-face whose husband was in a coma, and then you."

"How should I know?" Kim Briggs exclaimed from the passenger seat of Perry's Porsche. She glanced at the speedometer, "Drive a little slower, Dr. Cox, I still have a lot of thinking to do."

"I'm already ten under! And listen sweet cheeks, the only girl in the world who determines how fast or slow I drive is my daughter and as you can see, there isn't a bundle of pink bubble wrap in my backseat or Veggie Tales songs on the stereo or a bottle of breast milk in the cup holder! And if I'd known we'd have to stop every half hour for another "the baby is kicking my bladder" bathroom break, I wouldn't have said yes when you asked me to drive you to confess your dastardly secret to your little love princess."

"Oh! I forgot to ask about your daughter's name? And how's Turk and Carla's baby girl?"

"Izzy's just grand. My daughter's name is Jennifer Dillon. Jennifer—"

"Ha, _JD_!"

"_JENNY_! Jennifer."

Kim chuckled and patted her belly. "I don't get it, Perry. Why do you always call him girls' names?"

"Because I'm a lesbian and I can't tell you how jealous I am that you're having his love child instead of me. Now stop talking and start thinking. We're only an hour away from Sacred Heart."

"How did you know JD's at work?" Kim asked. "Look at you keeping track of your protégé!"

Perry managed to flick her off. "The only reason I know he's working is because he's sent me a dozen pages that said _wish you were here Per-Per_. Honest to God…" Perry sighed. "You know, you and Jordan should spend some time together. She neglected to tell me that Jack was my biological son until after he was born, did you know that? That killed me. Congratulations. You're _slightly_ less evil than she is."

Perry had reached his joking quota. The tides had turned. Kim sighed, and turned to stare out her open window. But before long, her cell phone rang. "Oh no," she muttered, staring at the caller ID.

"What?"

"It's him. He was supposed to pick me up after the conference."

"Who?"

"Ryan, Perry. Ryan, my ex-husband. Oh, shit, I'd better answer."

"Give me that."

"What?"

Perry took his eyes off the road just long enough to aim his right hand. "Give me the _goddamn phone_!" He snatched Kim's cell phone out of her hand, and tossed it out the window.

"God, Perry!" Kim screeched as she watched the phone ricochet off the cement in the side-view mirror. "Are you crazy?"

"I'm crazy? I'm not the chicken in this nest! Your ex-husband controls you, abuses you, and you're terrified to tell him the truth or turn him over to the police! Now that, that's crazy!"

Kim tossed her hands into the air and sent spit flying as she yelled, "You don't get it! A restraining order wouldn't keep him away from me. _Jail_ wouldn't keep him away from me! And if I don't answer him, he'll come looking for me! And if he can't find me, where do you think he'll look, huh? Perry, w_ho_ do you think he'll come after?"

What felt like a hunk of lead descended from Perry's throat to the bottom of his stomach. "Listen to me, Kim," Perry growled, "now would be a good time to stop hinting and start telling the whole story. Now."

Kim spoke, Perry listened, and the Porsche whined as the needle on the speedometer jumped from ten below the speed limit to twenty above.

**(To Be Continued)**


	11. HORSE

**Summary: **A young Perry and his sister, Paige, play their nightly game of HORSE.

**Author's Note: **Why does Perry hate the fact that Paige goes to church? Maybe it's because in his mind, God stole her away from him (right when he really needed her).

**Perry Cox**

PenPatronus

Story #11:

**HORSE**

Fourteen-year-old Perry Cox stood at the end of his family's drive-way with a backpack over one shoulder and a basketball under one arm. He released an exhale that puffed his cheeks out like a blowfish, and squinted at the lights on in his house. The Pittsburgh night was cooling itself slowly, and that chill combined with fresh sweat from the game made Perry shiver.

"See you at practice tomorrow, Coxie?" came a voice from the jeep behind him.

"Yeah, coach," Perry said without turning around. "Thanks for the ride…again."

"You did good today, son, your passes are really improving. I might put you on second string next week against the Warriors…you know, if Mishler hasn't healed yet but I'll…I'll let you know, ok?"

"Yeah. Sure, coach."

Coach Stevens waited a few moments more before he drove off, and Perry could feel his eyes on his back. Perry wanted to flag his coach down and explain that everything was ok, his family probably just forgot about his game again, were too busy to pick him up, that he wasn't hesitating to enter his own house, he was just…just…

Petrified.

He wished the game had gone into overtime just so he had an excuse to stay away from home longer, anything to prevent contact with his father. His father…the local hero in a middle-class neighborhood because his real-estate business had brought both money and jobs to Pittsburgh. His father…the politician-like businessman shaking hands and kissing babies, attending parties with his smiling, made-up wife on his arm, rarely showing up at Perry's basketball games and Paige's piano recitals, and only then just to brag about his profits for that quarter and chuckle modestly when people asked him if he planned to run for mayor. His father…who told Perry to practice more so that he wouldn't embarrass the family. His father…who forced Paige to start wearing make-up when she was seven. His father…who treated his mother like she was an accessory, and not worth the dust she cleaned. Like she was a paid advertisement for his greatness. Like she was only there to make him look and feel better. His father.

Perry's friends didn't stand outside their drive-ways at night and have such thoughts. His teammates were probably treated to pizza and ice cream after the game. They probably got a kiss on the cheek from their mothers and a firm, congratulatory "I'm proud of you, son" handshake from their fathers. When they got home they probably played video games and complained about doing their homework. _Their_ families came to the basketball games. Their families played board games together and went to picnics! Their families weren't forced to be completely different people outside of the home than they were inside.

Perry sighed. He would approach the house like he approached basketball (when the coach actually put him in): a fast break through the door, pivots around chairs and people and punches, and then a direct drive straight for his bedroom where he could lock the door and hide out all night. He'd do his science homework slowly, savoring. They were studying human anatomy in class and Perry found it _fascinating_ how all those parts managed to work together. Most people thought of him as just a jock, and an average one at that, but recently Perry found himself drawn to academics like nothing else before, and quite frankly he found it embarrassing.

His father was embarrassed by him.

The front door creaked as he opened it. Perry winced.

"_Perry_!"

His cover blown, Perry dropped the basketball and let the bouncing echo against the front hall walls. He sighed, defeated.

"PERRY! Get your ass in here and help your sister!" His dad released a whistle, high-pitched and shrill and deafening. It gave Perry goosebumps, and annoyed him like hell.

"Hey Pops," Perry greeted the man who sat smoking and drinking straight from a scotch bottle on top of a kitchen table layered with old newspapers and porn. Perry stood before him in a sweaty basketball jersey but his father didn't even look at him, let alone comment. He didn't give a shit that he'd missed another one of his son's games.

James Cox had balding red hair, a bloated nose and permanently blushed cheeks. His weight barely fit into the chair and his thighs bulged through the spaces between the wooden rungs. Leanna Cox sat across from her husband. She was young and skinny and had pale skin beneath her latest black eye. She grinned stupidly and then went back to her wine.

Rattling came from the kitchen. Perry dropped his backpack and joined his younger sister, Paige, who was loading the dishwasher. "Hey Paigey."

"Hey, Per. How was the game?"

"We lost."

"Sorry." Paige tossed him a washcloth.

"No biggie." Perry wiped down the counters as Paige ran the machine. His sister noticed that his wiping was rather violent. "Game of HORSE?"

"Yes, please." Perry tossed the cloth into the sink. "That was the first basket I've made all night." The siblings ignored their parents as they were yelled at on their way out the front door.

---

"H."

"H."

"O. Where did that burn come from, Paigey?"

"Mom was making eggs this morning. Hey, Per, listen. I got invited to this…thing…It starts tomorrow and it's, well, every weekday night. Six to eight…R."

"Yeah. Okay. Whatever." _But that's when we play basketball!_ Perry bent from his knees, arched his wrist and hefted the ball towards the hoop, missing it completely. "Damn…Where's it at?"

"St. Anthony's, down the block."

Perry nearly dropped the basketball. "You're going to church?"

"It's the youth group. The neighbors invited me."

"O. And Mom's letting you go?"

Paige shrugged. "I told her we'd be playing Bingo. She promised not to tell Dad…Don't worry, Per. If anybody asks about anything, I'll just tell them…you know…"

Perry lifted up his shirt, exposing a half-dozen bruises on his stomach and chest. "Yeah, I know." They finished the first round of HORSE, then a second. And then Perry said, "Well, Paige, I'm glad you're, you know, doing all that but…we'll still play basketball, right?"

"As long as I keep beating you."

"No, I mean, you're just doing this youth group thing for a little while, right? Then we'll be able to play again?"

Paige sighed. She dropped the ball and stopped its bouncing with her toe. "Perry…I need to get out of this house. I need to stay away from mom and dad and I don't care where I go. Look, you should come too! There's a couple guys there, they'd probably play basketball with you."

Perry waved at her as he headed back for the house. "No, Paige, don't worry about it. You do your thing…I'll stay here. I hope God burns you less than Mom."


	12. A Sacred Heart

**Summary:** Perry is dying, and JD has a difficult decision to make.

**Author's Note:** This story takes place a week after Jennifer Dillon Cox's 5th birthday.

By the way, I'm obviously not a doctor. All of my lame medical knowledge comes from Web MD and MASH episodes. Ha.

**Perry Cox**

PenPatronus

Story #12:

**A Sacred Heart**

---

Carla first noticed that something was wrong with Perry a week ago.

Uncharacteristically, she kept her observations to herself. She didn't know why she did it, at first. But then she realized that it was because she was scared. _Really_ scared. Scared enough to try and convince herself that she was imagining the slight yellowing of the skin, the abnormal fatigue, and the missed meals. It was Carla who got the first phone call in the middle of the night. She shimmied out from beneath the bed covers, and her husband, and reached blindly toward the ringing sound. Her mind was nearly asleep again by the time she flipped the cell phone open.

"Can you watch Jack and Jenny?" a breathless Jordan asked.

It took several moments for Carla to blink the sleep out of her eyes, several more to recognize Jordan's voice, and several more after that to comprehend what was being asked. Turk's snoring on Carla's end, and a siren on Jordan's complicated the conversation.

"…vomiting!…and…called 911—"

"Jordan, slow down!" Carla shouted, waking up her husband. Yawning, Chris Turk propped himself up with an elbow and frowned. "Jordan, what's going on?"

"Perry's sick and we're on our way to the hospital! I'm not sure—can you please come?"

Overhearing this, Turk was immediately out of bed and getting dressed. "There's a night nursery staff that can watch them! What are his symptoms?" Carla asked, switching into nurse-mode.

"I don't—he's sick!" Jordan sputtered. "He started vomiting blood and he passed out! He said something about his stomach hurting—"

"What part of his stomach?" Carla held the phone between her cheek and her shoulder as she put on her robe and tied her shoes.

"His right side, I think. Down low. Below his stomach, I guess."

"How long? How long has he been like this, Jordan?"

Carla could almost hear Jordan's face go white. "Carla, they've got a stethoscope to his abdomen—it looks bigger than it should—what does that mean? Carla, what does that mean?"

"Jordan, we're coming. Turk, get the girls! Try not to wake up Indira. Jordan? We're coming to the hospital right now, ok? You call Danni and we'll get everyone else. We're on our way." Carla put the phone down and left the bedroom just as Turk came into the hallway with a daughter in each arm.

"What's going on, baby?" he asked.

Carla's facial expression was professionally impassive, but her eyes were ablaze with panic. "I'll drive. You page JD and Elliot."

---

Elliot Dorian's pager went off a second after JD's. Unfortunately each was placed on the wrong bedside table, so JD had to crawl over Elliot's pregnant abdomen to reach for his, and Elliot got tangled up in the sheets trying to get hers. When both of them finally had a pager in hand, they read the same message from Turk: "PCSHERCB."

JD rolled off of Elliot and onto his bare feet. "I'll bring the car around."

"I'll get Sammy."

---

A rare rain came down from the night sky when they pulled up to the hospital. JD held Sammy to his chest with one hand and used the other to hold an umbrella above them and Elliot as they jogged into Sacred Heart's emergency room. One of the nursery's babysitters was already waiting for them, and JD immediately kneeled down with his half-asleep son.

"Sam, hold Izzy's hand and go with Joanna for awhile, ok? You can go back to sleep in the nursery."

"Dad," Sammy muttered while wiping his sleepy blue eyes. "What's going on?"

JD swallowed heavily and brushed Kim's light hair out of Sammy's eyes. "Uncle Perry's a little sick, ok? But dad and Ellie are going to take care of him, all right? Here, I brought Rowdy to help you sleep." Sammy grinned as his dad handed him the small stuffed dog he'd slept with since he was born. He hugged JD around the neck, JD kissed him, and Sammy was lead away.

Perry lay in the first alcove in Sacred Heart's cream-colored ER. Tubes and IVs were connected to his body, a heart monitor was hooked up, and some lowly graveyard-shift-cursed intern was taking his blood pressure. JD fought his way past Jordan and leaned over the bed. "_Perry_?" No response. JD turned to a nameless ER attending and barked, "Status?"

"Rapid onset of jaundice, irregular heartbeat, swelling of the lower right region of the abdomen, temp is 103.8 degrees Fahrenheit."

The intern looked up at them, "76 over 49."

"Liver failure," JD whispered. He cursed. "We're about a decade too late on that alcohol intervention, folks. Elliot, wake up everyone else and start the making phone calls to other hospitals. We need a donor, pronto. Carla, I want an ultrasound scheduled for five minutes from now. Turk, get the OR prepped."

"JD…" Turk's words were sluggish from both sleep and fear. "There's no use opening him up yet. Not until we know that we have half a liver to give him!"

This was no time to mince words, no time to cover Jordan's ears, no time to worry about stepping on the other attending doctors' toes. JD took charge. "_Listen_. His liver is going fast. It's been in failure for at least twelve hours. Any minute now his temperature will hit 104 and he'll go comatose and at that point we'll have maybe seven hours to establish healthy liver functions. With a surgery time frame of six hours that means we have _one hour_ to prep! If we don't get his temperature down or find a donor right _now_, he'll _die_."

JD's outburst was acknowledged by a chorus of "I'm on it." Elliot, Turk and Carla sped out of the ER in their bathrobes and slippers, barking orders and dragging the skeleton graveyard shift with them as they went. Jordan ran after Elliot, already dialing her own cell phone.

"Hell yeah!" JD grunted, pumping his fist when no one was watching.

"Don't congratulate yourself just yet, Newbie," came a weak, muffled voice.

JD whirled around to find Perry's eyes open and alert. Relief hit JD right in the knees, and they nearly folded beneath him as he stumbled to Perry's bedside. Gently he removed the oxygen mask from Perry's face, wincing from the heat of his skin. Cold sweat dripped into Perry's eyes, stinging them, and JD immediately began to wipe his old mentor's face with the hospital bed sheet.

"Liver disease," JD hissed. "_Liver_ _disease_? Why didn't you _tell_ me?" A flash flood of tears exploded from his eyes, and he swiped at them angrily. "You _bastard_ Cox why didn't you _tell_ me?"

Perry weakly arched an eyebrow, and that took most of his strength. "Why didn't I tell you that my liver's been disintegrating these past few years? Well, gee, Newbie, that would ruin all the fun of being an alcoholic."

JD, in a rare, livid form, started yelling. "You mean you haven't been doing anything about this? You're a _father_!"

"_My_ father had liver disease for ten years before he died! But, no Newbie, of course I've been getting suppressive therapy. And I've been on the donor list for years under a pseudonym."

JD immediately chuckled and snapped his fingers. "I was wondering if that was the real Hugh Jackman!"

Perry gathered his strength and raised his head from the pillow. His anger with JD matched JD's frustration with him. "And look who's talking, pumpkin! I _know_ you're Vasovagal Syncope has deteriorated! I _know_ it's because your heart is weak! And I know that your father died of a heart attack."

"You got into my personal medical records at the hospital?" JD's lips folded into a straight line and he leaned over Cox, his voice dropping to a hiss. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Your damn right I read your records. I'm your boss, and I decided that I needed to know. You didn't me about your heart condition. I didn't tell you about my liver disease. We're even."

JD refused to hang his head. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to worry you."

"I didn't want to worry you," Perry mocked.

JD's anger was rekindled. "Just like _your_ father. Final irony, huh? I have my dad's heart and you have your dad's poisoned liver. How fitting. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Coxie, but you're not going down like he did. Neither of us are."

Perry frowned sympathetically and his voice softened. "I know the score, kid. You'll be lucky to a donor by this time tomorrow. And we both know that this time tomorrow will be too late…Newbie…will you call Paige for me?"

"Don't talk like that."

"And, by the way, legally you're Jennifer's godfather. Your name's on the papers, you just have to sign them."

"We'll find a donor, Perry. We will. We—" JD froze. He stared off into space even longer than usual. He was frozen and staring so long that Perry called his name. "Actually we _have_ a donor." A strange expression settled on his face: one of…peace? Relief?

Acceptance.

Perry stared at JD, frowning. He'd known the kid for a long time, and for some reason since Day One he'd always been able to read him.

Today was no different.

Perry began to shake his head, not caring that the movement weakened him all the more. "No, _no, NO_." He lifted his head a few degrees, scanning the area for one of the others, for someone to hear his wishes, for someone to change Dorian's mind. "No. I'm telling you now, _no_! What were we just talking about, huh? Your heart! Your goddamn heart! Your heart that can barely survive the stress of being a doctor, let alone the monumental stress of a major surgery!" Perry made a tremendous effort, through the pain and weakness, to sit up. He grabbed JD by the shoulder and shook him. "JD, I _forbid_ you to donate your liver! YOU'LL DIE!"

JD shook Perry off. He was busy preparing a syringe.

"They won't let you do it. That wife of yours won't let you do it! See if Gandhi's a match!"

"Elliot doesn't know how bad it is and Turk will have to perform the surgery." There was finality in JD's voice.

"Listen to me! You're younger than I am! You're married! You have a little girl due next week! You're the best damn doctor in this hospital, in the tri-county area! _Listen to me_!" Perry collapsed back against his pillows. Hot tears boiled in his eyes. "Newbie," he whispered. "Don't do this."

JD leveled the loaded needle with Perry's forearm. "Dr. Cox…You've kept me at arm's length forever, but I've always said what I think of you." JD swallowed. "You're worth this."

"If you do this, you might die," Cox whispered. "And what makes you think I—I can handle that?"

JD smiled, sadly. "Call Dan for me. And you'll be Rebeccah's godfather when she's born. The papers just need to be signed." In one smooth movement, JD inserted the syringe into Perry's forearm. Perry was unconscious before all of the tranquilizer was in.

---

**Seven Hours Later**

He awoke in a small alcove in Sacred Heart's ICU that was dark and cold. He was in a hospital gown, IVs were in his arm, the beeping sound was his own heart, and the blurred face above him turned out to be Chris Turk. Though he was breathing hard from the pain in his gut, Perry managed to add words to an exhale. "How's Newbie?"

Turk didn't look up from examining Perry's raw stitches. "The jaundice is gone," the surgeon reported. "Your heart rate and blood pressure are normal."

Cox doubted that as he felt his heartbeat quicken from suspense. "_Gandhi_. What's going on? What happened?"

"There's no sign of the new tissue being rejected."

Cox grabbed the front of Turk's scrubs and pulled the other man's face down to his. "What. Is. JD's. _Condition_?"

Turk stared at Cox for a second, then something snapped in his eyes. He slammed Perry back into the pillows, pushed away from the bed, and punched the wall with all of his might, releasing a violent sob. Perry couldn't suppress a gasp of pain and when the stars in front of his eyes disappeared he saw Turk leaning his forehead against the wall, gasping for breath.

"_Chris,_ _please_."

Turk turned his face towards Cox. Tears were soaking his cheeks. He sighed, and whispered, "He's in a coma."

Perry's entire body turned to gelatin. "Wh—What happened?" Perry sat up in his bed. "_Why the hell did you let him do it_?"

"We waited until the absolute last minute but we couldn't find a donor," Turk growled. "JD…didn't tell me. I know he hasn't been healthy but I had no idea he…If I knew how bad his heart was I wouldn't have let him do that in a million years! We nearly—" Turk took a regrouping breath and turned away. "I nearly lost you both…"

"I tried to talk him out of it…" Perry looked up at Turk and his eyes begged forgiveness. "I swear. I _swear_ to you this is the last thing I wanted! I'd rather—" Perry stopped and swallowed.

"I know. I'd rather too." Turk seemed unable to look at Cox. He pivoted and fled, and said on his way out, "He loves you, Perry."

Cox collapsed back into his pillows and flung his arm over his eyes. A heartrending sound gurgled up from his throat and seared his lips raw when it exploded out.

---

**Three Weeks Later**

With Jennifer on his back and Jack and Jordan on his heels, Perry sprinted down the hospital hallway and kicked open the door to JD's room. He shouldered his way through the crowd of Turk and Isabella, Carla with Indira, Kim with Sam and Elliot holding the newborn Rebeccah. Sitting up in the hospital bed was a miraculously awake and grinning JD. Perry's arms dropped to his sides from shock and Jennifer slowly slid off his back.

"Hey, Perry," JD greeted Cox with a rusty voice. "Thanks for taking care of Sam and Elliot and Rebeccah while I was gone."

Perry couldn't find any words. He had none. There were none.

He sat on the bed, gathered JD in his arms and _hugged_ him.

**The End**


	13. A Conversation with Laverne

**Perry Cox**

PenPatronus

Story #13:

**A Conversation with Laverne**

It was midnight when Perry Cox finally lifted his eyes and saw what he'd been walking towards. He'd left the apartment two hours before. The argument he and Jordan had gotten into had climaxed with Perry actually raising his hand and beginning to swing it, before he'd stopped himself. And when he'd looked past Jordan he'd seen his son Jack peeking out of his bedroom door with terrified tears in his eyes.

In that terrible moment, Perry saw himself through his son's eyes. And remembered his father through his own.

He knelt in front of Laverne Roberts' tombstone and rapped his knuckles against it as though it were a door. "_Hey_! Open up in there! I've got something to say to you!" Grass had begun to grow overtop the grave, and month-old bouquets of flowers lay bleached and wilted. "_Laverne_!" Perry called. He raised the Scotch he'd carried with him and jiggled the bottle. "If you come out and play, I'll share!"

"What I want to say," Perry began after his request was not heeded, "is that you had a hell of a lot of nerve lecturing me about how everything happens for a reason and then going out and getting yourself killed. I mean come on, how does _that_ help your argument? You're a decent human being, and there are a whole lot of indecent human beings still out there! And if all this was meant to teach me a lesson, well, I guess I'm a slow learner because _I don't get it_!" Perry hopped back up to his feet, swayed drunkenly for a moment, and then began to walk in circles around Laverne's grave.

"So what's the almighty purpose of this, huh? What's the point of your cold dead body rotting in the dirt? Where's the reason in good people dying and bad people triumphing—_I don't get it_!" he said again, to the tombstone, and then again with a shout towards to the starry sky. Perry took a deep breath and monitored that breath as it entered his lungs, his blood, his brain. It didn't make him feel better. The stars were as silent as the bones beneath his feet.

"Don't tell anyone, Laverne, but the reason why I hate Hugh Jackman so much is because he looks like my father. Same jaw line, same posture, same grumpy voice… My dad is buried somewhere back in Philadelphia. He should've died back when I was fifteen but, _no_, I watched him collapse from a heart attack and what did I do? Dumb ass fifteen-year-old Perry improvised CPR. I breathed life back into him—and you want to know what he said when he woke up in the hospital? The jackass—he said "Percival, I hear you missed five out of six of your foul shots last game." Did he say gee thanks, son, for saving my life? Nope. Did he say he was sorry for missing all of my games, that he had a new found love for life and that from then on he would spend time with me and Paige and stop bashing our mother's nose in? Nope." Perry took a long swig of Scotch and winced as it slithered down. "What was the point of that, huh? Was the point of saving my father's worthless life that he could just make my mom and sister and me feel worthless for another dozen years?"

Perry kicked the tombstone once, twice, three times with his left foot and then took another round with his right.

"God Al_mighty!_ I know what you're thinking, Laverne, I know what you're going to say: "Dr. Cox, your father wasn't meant to die then! You were fulfilling God's will when you saved him. You probably don't know it but maybe your dad gave all of his extra money to orphans and he secretly adopted starving kids in Africa and rescued kittens from trees. And maybe you wouldn't of become a doctor if not for that experience." Well, Laverne, that's bullshit. He spent Paige's lunch money on booze and my college savings on hookers. And I became a doctor to make all that money back. My dad was nothing more than a waste of space and oxygen and believe you me the world is better off without him…And it would probably be better without me…"

Perry looked down at the grave, at his shoeprints in the grass and the layer of mud that now covered Laverne's tombstone. "_Dammit_." Cox knelt down and swiped the mud off with his bare hands. He poured the rest of the bottle of Scotch on it and used both palms to scrub and wipe until Laverne's gravestone was clean again. "Sorry," he muttered to it. "As usual I take my shit out on whoever's around me. And unfortunately I'm better at talking to the dead than I am to the living." Perry sat down on the grassy grave and leaned back against the stone, looking up at the stars through the tree limbs.

"Maybe…try this one on for size, Laverne…maybe the point of my father's life was to show people what _not_ to do. But, if that's the case, I didn't learn because I almost _hurt Jordan tonight_! I almost became exactly the man—exactly _what_ my father was, and I almost gave my son the lousy childhood I had…Almost. How…how much is the "almost" worth, Laverne?"

Perry was silent for awhile. Nearly an hour. The smell of spoiled Scotch mixed with whatever chemical the cemetery lawn was being treated with and _Jesus_, was it rancid.

_How much is the "almost" worth? How much is it worth? Is "almost" worth the same as "never?" Is thinking just as bad as doing? Is raising a fist to Jordan just as bad as hitting her with it?_

"Let me ask you something, Laverne," Perry continued, but now in a whisper. "Let's say that you and Gandhi and Paige are right and there really is a god and a heaven and a reward for this lousy life. Let's say that at the end of all this I'll look back and realize it was worth it. Can you honestly tell me—_promise_ me—that this hell is worth that heaven? Can you prove it to me?"

Perry Cox waited patiently for her answer. He waited until he fell asleep, right beside Laverne. And he was still waiting when his pager woke him up in the morning.


End file.
